Life's Guaranteed Guarantees

It was ol’ Benny Franks who once said, “In this world, nothing is certain except death and taxes.” It’s too bad he didn’t get to live long enough to be introduced to Darn Tough, because this humble sock company has a certainty that would blast his socks off quicker than flying a kite in a thunderstorm — their Unconditional Lifetime Guarantee.

While these days my Founding Father knowledge pretty much begins and ends with the musical Hamilton (and Ben wasn’t in that), I figured it’d be good to list a few more things that are guaranteed in life. Just to rub it in his bifocaled face, I guess.

No Rain Fly = It Gon' Rain

It’s been a beautiful day of backpacking. Blue skies. Zero clouds. And now the stars are poppin’ so you decide to go sans rainfly. Big mistake.

Without fail, at some point in the middle of the night, it’s going to rain. Maybe not a downpour, maybe not even for long. But long enough that it’ll have you scrambling to toss on the rainfly in whatever state you find yourself in. And that’s not fun. Just use a rainfly.

Bottomless Mimosas

Now I have your attention. I used to have a friend who would brag about her local brunch spot having amazing breakfast sandwiches and bottomless mimosas. I say brag because she lived 1,000 miles away, and just the thought of the combination of those two things had me checking flights at least once a month.

Still, one accepts the harsh truth that there is indeed a bottom to those mimosas. By the end of brunch, you’re probably pounding straight orange juice, but hey, it was fun while it lasted.

30-Minute-or-Less Pizza Delivery

This was a huge thing in the 90s. The image of a hazed-out pizza delivery dude speeding through the neighborhood, drifting corners, and knocking over your ornamental driveway statue has been burned into my mind with every viewing of Home Alone.

Also, in the first Ninja Turtles movie, they make a big deal about not getting their pizza delivered to a storm drain(!) within 30 minutes. It’s hard enough to navigate regular New York City streets, let alone the sewer system. Give the guy a break.

Regardless, if your pizza arrives in under 30 minutes, a law has probably been broken — or at least a statue.

Team Will Score During Bathroom Break

I first realized this phenomenon during the 2010 World Cup when — thanks to the time difference — I was watching games at the bar at like 8 am. Soccer is a slow game, but one you need to be paying attention to constantly. Each time I would get up for a bathroom break, I would hear cheers and celebrations ring out, only for me to run back in time to catch the last replay.

This trend has continued through my life, televised or in-person, futbol or football. It’s until I try to use it to my advantage that it doesn’t work out, and I just end up going to the bathroom a lot.

Darn Tough's Unconditional Lifetime Guarantee

While all those previous guarantees are more like “guarantees,” the one that truly stands the test of time is Darn Tough’s lifetime guarantee. Plus, they keep it simple: If your socks aren’t the longest lasting socks you’ve ever owned, you can return them to us for another pair. No receipt needed, just the pair in question.

How is this possible? Check out their how-to on guaranteeing a sock for life.

And they’re not just talking about durability: Darn Tough’s guarantee covers that they will remain comfortable, with a performance fit, day after day. So, even though Ben Franklin is long gone, maybe his line needs to be updated to “nothing is certain except death, taxes, and Darn Tough socks.”

About the Author

Chris Zimmerman is a copywriter, content creator, and wordplay enthusiast who enjoys spending his time exploring the nooks and crannies of the Pacific Northwest with his wife and daughter. When he’s not chasing around a 3-year-old, he likes to spend his time snowboarding and attempting to surf.